The first hard truth we had to wrap our head around was simply the fact that there wasn’t a solution. A quick Google search provides “stellar” advice such as fighting for your parental rights, suing for full custody, and how to get a restraining order. In other words, prepare for war.
The “math mentality” in me is to keep approaching a complex problem in different ways until you find a solution. I had to throw this notion out the door and acknowledge that we could not fix this. No matter how amicable or cooperative we were with mom. No matter how altruistic our intentions. No matter how much effort we took to create positive compromise and solutions benefitting all. Resolution wasn’t option.
It’s built into the parental alienation dynamic.
There was zero possibility of cooperative, co-parenting discussions for what was in the best interest of Dear Alexa. Mom stonewalled Dad with hostility and her win at all costs determination aimed to destroy both the man and his loving relationship with his daughter.
Parental alienation is pure narcissism.
We need to stop tiptoeing around this word and be totally clear – Encouraging a child to hate a parent is abusive. That is quite literally a statement that half of who they are is unacceptable. Disrupting the natural relationship a child has with both parents is beyond selfish. These informative years serve as the very foundation for developing into healthy and happy adults. Loss of unconditional love and support during this time cannot be given back.
Then there’s the alienated parent who experiences a loss beyond comprehension – Loss of the ability to connect with and raise their child. During one particularly long stretch of disconnect, this Dad explained that – “It’s like experiencing the death of a child.” I would challenge that it’s much worse. It’s by choice – Whether that’s mom’s vengeful decision made on behalf of a child or a child’s naively manipulated choice.
Then there’s the element of blame that falls on the alienated parent’s shoulders on top of this terrible loss. People need to place some blame on the alienated parent shoulders, because the alternative that a mother would teach their child to hate a parent is just too evil to comprehend.
But that’s not the full extent of loss in this parental alienation dynamic. And despite my hesitance to even consider this particular person’s “loss,” I found it necessary in order to gain perspective –
By all appearances, mom has been winning at this alienation game for years (annihilating us is more like it). The loss and vengeance we endured held me hostage in my need for justice and restitution. However, it was a very simple reflection that snapped me out of that funk –
No healthy, stable parent would put their children in this situation.
No healthy, stable parent would sacrifice their child’s connection with a source of unconditional love.
Which made me consider the alienating parent’s loss. Something unresolved within the alienating parent is the driving force behind the need to alienate a child from another parent. Whether that’s mental illness, a personality disorder, trauma, and/or fears of rejection and abandonment. D – All of the above.
This insight gave me an ounce of compassion for a mother so triggered by her own trauma and fears that she’s quite literally overflowing onto her children.
Perspective – NOT an excuse.
Whatever the reasons for alienating children, it’s the parent’s responsibility to do the inner work necessary to soothe their fears and heal their trauma – NOT unload and pass it down for another generation to resolve.
This slight shift in perspective cracked parental alienation just enough for light to shine and release my need to resolve.
There’s a stubborn martyr-ness to parental alienation that kind of cracks me up – Humor is my “go to” when lifting a dark experience. Mom complains (to everyone who will listen) that she has to do everything and pay for everything herself. Untruth aside, the fact of the matter is that this amazing father is an unlimited resource for both Dear Alexa and her mother.
An expression my mother said growing up describes it quite accurately – “Cutting off your nose to spite your face.”
I had to ask myself – At what cost does parental alienation come at for the alienating parent?
Parents working together share the weight of responsibilities. Dear Alexa’s mom absolutely could be enjoying spa weekends and trips to Napa with girlfriends. Could be dating and connecting with great people. Could be focused on living her happiest life. SHE has chosen to cut off this resource.
Pretty hard to create a beautiful life while attempting to destroy another.
Our approach is simple, yet perhaps the hardest thing to conceive – Release and allow.
I imagined a game of tug-of-war. So long as Dad was pulling like his relationship with his daughter depended upon it, mom was equally pulling like her own life depended upon it. Let go and… well… That’s her face planting in a pit of mud.
We’ve released far more than we’re comfortable with. We’ve allowed difficult experiences to unfold naturally even knowing the full impact and consequences. They certainly haven’t been the best options, but they’re the only options we have right now.
From this space of calm that we’ve created, the truth is slowly rising.
Dear Alexa is slowly gravitating back into our lives. We call it “one step forward, three steps back.” For every positive connection we have with Dear Alexa is typically followed by a few setbacks as mom feels triggered and unloads.
We release with love and open arms – Allowing Dear Alexa to gravitate back to the light of Dad’s unconditional love.
Dear “Dear Alexa” – You have an infinite source of love and support available to you anytime. Your Dad and I look forward to the day when you’re able to rise fully from this dark experience – We’re here to help you in every way we can. We’re waiting with open arms to celebrate what we lovingly refer to as the “next stage” of your life –
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