The moment I realized that I deserve to have personal boundaries… And my sincerest compassion for every stepmother who doesn’t feel deserving of the same.
PTSD – When my husband said that I was having a “PTSD moment,” I had to pause and think this one through. Damn straight I am! I’m carrying everyone’s trauma. Like the good empath that I am, I’m carrying the abuse my husband endured during his marriage, the violence (on her part) of his divorce, and the extreme loss of a child through alienation. This care naturally includes some of Dear Alexa’s trauma as I watch how alienation has broken her down mentally and physically. All of this in addition to my own experience of trauma for having gone through years of the mom unloading hostilities through the court system, the financial stress we’ve been under just trying to take care of Dear Alexa’s basic needs, and Dear Alexa unloading all of her angry alienation trauma onto her loving father.
So don’t discredit my PTSD.
Let’s be clear – I have lovingly taken these experiences on because I love my husband. But just recently I’ve come to realize that while I’ve been a soothing support to both Dad and (on some level) Dear Alexa, I’ve struggled to find my own outlet for releasing all this trauma. I had hoped I could write my way through difficult feelings and experiences via this blog, but it doesn’t even come close. I promised myself this wouldn’t be a place to simply “unload” (there are way too many of those out there) – I wanted to offer hope.
Sadly, when I’m fresh out of hope, I just don’t write…. Hence the v-e-r-y long stretches between writing….
The moment I felt empowered to enforce boundaries…
I got really tired of being swept aside for the financial “asks” – a term we coined when Dear Alexa would only reach out to Dad when she wanted him to buy her something. After months of cold shouldering Dad, this loving father was so excited to see her name pop up on his phone that it was painful watching his face drop as he read the text. Wait… for… it…. and there’s the ask. If we’re brutally honest, it was more like a demand, reeking of how attorneys don’t ask, just tell.
But here’s the deal, not only do I love and support this amazing man through thick and thin, but I’ve also helped him rebuild anew… a few times anew. Every experience that has knocked him – thus us – to our knees, we’ve gotten back up and worked our asses off to rebuild. Yes – It is absolutely my business. I am an integral part of this team and have a voice with regard to financial decisions.
My Non-Negotiable Boundaries –
I don’t do parental – I leave that up to my loving husband who wants the hands-on experience of raising an intelligent, kind, and independent daughter. There’s no shifting of parental responsibilities like I’ve seen with so many other stepmothers who feel obliged to add “a few more” kids to her daily obligation mix. This amazing Dad considers it a privilege to run errands and take Dear Alexa to PT because (at the moment) it’s the only time he gets with her.
I only do favors for my husband – not his ex. Need someone to pinch hit and take Dear Alexa to therapy? It would be my pleasure! But everything I do is for the benefit of my busy husband who is trying to balance the world on his shoulders. I do NOT do favors to make his ex’s life easier. She can try being nice enough to award such an ask. And even then, I’ll question what she’s up to and what she’s trying to frame me with.
I’ll skip “forced” time together. After the “worst vacation ever” experience (the inspiration for starting this blog), I’ve avoided family trips altogether. I’ve learned that if Dear Alexa feels like she’s being forced to do something, she will spend every single ounce of her energy making damn sure we’re all miserable. If the most gorgeous white sand beach experience (not to mention the impromptu wedding we had to cancel) could be ruined by this child’s sheer determination to do so, then I’ll take a Hard Pass. NOT a chance. I’ll stay home and enjoy Corona’s watching Netflix thank you very much.
That included taking a pass on a trip wherein the mom tried to force us to take the NOT service trained dog on our flight (I can only imagine what being detained by TSA would have looked like); skipping the “resist-refuse” court ordered time together (although the three week order dwindled down to less than 2 days due to mom’s interference); and day outings that include constant text/calls from the mom to get home to feed her dogs (mom refuses to feed Dear Alexa’s pets so threat of dying dogs is often used to control how much time Dear Alexa can spend with dad).
I don’t do “angry” – Even if it’s not Dear Alexa’s anger. Note: We know when Dear Alexa is carrying her mom’s angry energy – we call it “coming it hot” – and don’t hold that against her. Nevertheless, it’s still HOSTILE as F&*# energy that I, personally, don’t know how to deal with. Dad has this parental ability to instantly forgive and forget whatever Dear Alexa throws at him – I do not. For better or worse, I grew up with parents who refused to engage until we could be kind enough to hold a civil conversation.
This spewing of such dark, toxic energy quite literally hurts me to my core. I have to take a huge energetic step back because…
it is far better for me to be MIA than adding my PTSD and self-preservation needs to an already tumultuous mix.
I can’t give children what I can’t/won’t splurge on for myself. That includes $150 Lululemon leggings, $300 monthly hair appointments, $150 fake nails, and $350 facials. Special note – I absolutely abhor fake nails on young girls. Let them be kids – Have fun, explore, and (yes) get their freaking hands dirty without a prissy “I can’t…I might break a nail…” excuse. It runs parallel with my mother teaching me that anything a boy could do, I could do better… So I did. To see young girls reverting to “just sit there and look pretty” makes me want to scream on behalf of all feminists out there… and, perhaps, b-slap the parent who purchased them.
I nail-digress… Back to this whole notion that children, who don’t understand the value of money (seriously, most kids don’t even know how to handle cash), should be given things that hard working parents can’t afford or justify spending on themselves is beyond BS. Back to another one of my own mother’s quotes – “It’s my job to cover you’re a$#, not design it.” I may not have appreciated her refusal to buy designer jeans as a teenager, but now it makes total sense.
I don’t engage in by proxy manipulation. We are quite aware that when we hold a firm boundary with mom, those demands will typically resurface by way of (and unbeknownst to) Dear Alexa. Trying to enforce healthy boundaries with someone who doesn’t take “no” for an answer has been exhausting! We also know that the second we crack or make an exception, this will be interpreted as “challenge on!” and we risk every boundary we’ve worked so hard for… Like over 3 years in court for.
So when Dear Alexa makes the same, well-rehearsed, demand just days later… the same threats, plus a few “you don’t love or support me if you don’t” add-ons that only a daughter can manipulate, and we know we’re dealing with the real boundary-breaker, not our compassionate Dear Alexa. Sadly, we have to stand equally as firm with “Dear Alexa Under the Influence” as we do her mom… We just find ways to give her what she really needs in return.
I will take care of my needs first, so I have something to offer. Sure, putting kids needs first is what parenthood is all about. But putting a child’s every desire before your own needs? Sorry, but there’s no gold badge of honor for spoiling kids at your own expense. Gratefully, this is where Dear Alexa’s amazing Dad and I totally agree. We invest in our own health and well-being, so we have something to give Dear Alexa in the long run.
The healthier and more balanced I am, the more I have to offer Dear Alexa. That includes self-care, living my most fulfilling life no matter what our circumstances, and (a resounding YES) enforcing personal boundaries.
