Just about everyone has encouraged Dad to fight for his parental rights. From grandma’s demand to fight for her extended family rights to our own attorney preparing for litigation believing it is in the best interest of Dear Alexa. This amazing father was even led to believe (by a therapist specializing in parental alienation BTW) that he was condoning abuse by not kicking in mom’s door and rescuing his daughter.
Then there’s the blame and shame motivational forces behind the need to fight – Vindication. People need to place some of the blame on the alienated parent’s shoulder because the alternative of a parent teaching their child to hate a parent is just too difficult to accept. Even this amazing Dad, who reached out to Dear Alexa on the daily, felt the pang of shame admitting to family and friends that he hadn’t seen his daughter in over a year.
The pressure to fight, win, and see justice prevail is great. Hard Truth #1 is a difficult concept to come to terms with but it’s the ground we’re deployed upon. There are no win-win resolutions within the parental alienation dynamic, only painful losses that intensify within the heat of battle.
The ideal I fell for was a core belief that the truth would set us free. It didn’t. It wasn’t even considered.
What we recognized within the battlefield was how each and every court filing and settlement negotiation attempt caused Dear Alexa to disconnect from Dad even further…
While this Dad had to fight for a few basic health and education rights for Dear Alexa, here are a few reasons why you may NOT want to fight.
Fighting intensifies the parental alienation experience
For you and especially your kids. We’re adults, so our comfort aside – What does this look like for kids? Imagine cornering a wild animal who is triggered to fight for their life. Battle with an alienating parent is similar in that it forces them into a confrontation corner, and they will defend themselves like their very life depends upon on.
It kept mom “running hot” in hostile-vengeful mode which was unloaded on Dear Alexa. It resulted in more lies being told to justify and hide the alienation. Dad’s main goal was to get Dear Alexa therapy to weather this experience. Once mom realized that, she created a plethora of reasons to fire six therapists when the truth began to surface.
There is little “justice” in the legal system
Parental alienation is so subjective that even with well-documented facts and health professional support, you’re just not going to find justice in the family court system. Particularly if you’re the dad. There’s still a clear bias supporting moms’ rights when it comes to children.
Despite having truth on our side, this Dad was outlawyered every step of the way. Lies dominated over facts, the judge was friends with opposing counsel, and no due process was followed. The only positive thing that came out of going to court (on three separate occasions) was to enforce mandated therapy for Dear Alexa. Despite that, mom still continues to interfere with Dear Alexa’s therapy.
Even if you win – It will be a bloody mess and the casualties include the children.
Drawing battle lines further strengthens alliances between children and the alienating parent
Loyalties are reinforced when the “family unit” becomes a “united front” against the alienated parent. Battle keeps the alienating parent triggered and defensive – Overflowing their insecurities and uncontrollable emotional responses onto the kids. During formative years, children are unable to differentiate their emotions from the emotional state of their parent. So they are feeling the alienating parent’s upset as if it were their own.
Right now, the mom also has home court advantage so Dear Alexa is only experiencing mom’s version of reality – A very biased and skewed account of “who her dad is.” As an incredibly compassionate person, Dear Alexa is also absorbing much of her mother’s anger and resentment which makes her incredibly defensive in taking mom’s side no matter what truth is presented.
Professionals avoid getting involved for good reason
Even if a mental health professional recognizes the parental alimentation a child is experiencing, they’re not likely to get involved to support the alienated parent through court. They know just how ill-equipped our legal system is.
Why is this a good thing?
Every therapist Dear Alexa saw that began to recognize the parental alienation that was occurring was quickly fired by mom. By not giving any indication that they are aware of parental alienation, Dear Alexa’s current therapist and psychiatrist have been working together to help Dear Alexa recognize the tactics being used while also giving her the tools she needs to handle them.
These amazing professionals have made Dear Alexa’s mental health and well-being their priority. Making therapy all about what Dear Alexa needs, not what her mom wants or demands.
Why you may NOT want full custody
Even if you have hard proof demonstrating that the alienating parent isn’t a good parent, you need to weigh pursuing full custody very carefully.
After long consideration, we concluded that no matter who had custody, Dear Alexa was in a shit position and would need good therapy. We looked at the options:
- Dear Alexa needing therapy to resolve issues over her dad forcefully taking her away from her mom at a time when she needed that motherly influence. OR
- Dear Alexa needing therapy to help her recognize who her mom is and how to establish healthy boundaries so she could have a relationship with her mom while also reconnecting with her Dad.
A few years ago we witnessed a meltdown of EPIC proportions when Dad attempted to take away Dear Alexa’s cell phone for an hour so she could catch up on homework. She nearly hyperventilated! Now just imagine what would happen if we were awarded full custody. It would prove mom’s allegations – “What kind of terrible father would take their child away from their mother? It would put mom in her starring victim role. And we would have a very resentful and hostile teenager on our hands.
Yea – No thank you!
It really comes down to this –
What is in the best interest of the child?
We had to remove our personal interests and ask ourselves this very question. For us, crossing enemy lines just long enough to get therapy was well worth the push. We are seeing the positive affect. But fighting for custody and for the truth to prevail? OMG, I can feel birth mom’s wrath just typing that.
Dear Alexa is better off by our stepping back and allowing truth to unfold. We make every effort to disengage from mom so this situation can calm down.
This gives Dear Alexa a much-needed break to rediscover her own feelings and thoughts about who Dad is.
Thanks to the amazing therapy, Dear Alexa is starting to trust herself – Trust her instincts. She is beginning to recognize that some of mom’s representations and childhood “memories” may not be true. Mom’s words simply aren’t adding up Dad’s actions.
We may have been demolished in court, but we consider good therapy the long-term win – “Dear Alexa’s win”
The therapeutic tools Dear Alexa learns now will not only help her get through this dark experience but will serve as the basis for establishing healthy personal boundaries so that she’s able to have positive relationships with both her parents.
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