Part of mom’s parental alienation lure was simply giving Dear Alexa everything she wanted – No consideration for whether it was good for her or not. This total freedom to do whatever, whenever at an age when she could not understand the long-term consequences of her choices has been difficult to watch.
There’s no denying the fact that Dear Alexa has been making decisions that both her Dad and I would have LOVED to have made when we were her age.
I would have loved skipping a few years of Jr. High and attending online school. Who knew that was even an option?! Eat nothing but milkshakes and fries? RIGHT ON! My super skinny teen body wouldn’t have even noticed the carbo-fat-load.
We may think we know everything as teenagers, but we’re just not fully equipped to make decisions that include effort now for a payoff several years later. Even physically, our brains aren’t fully developed until 23 years old. Hence, the need for good parenting.
Parental alienation doesn’t just take away your loving connection with your children. It quite literally strips you of every parental right to help raise and have a positive influence on your child’s life. Including helping them make better decisions, setting an example for healthy habits, and guiding them to become independent, successful adults.
With little control over this parental alienation dynamic, we needed to come to terms with the fact that we had to pick our battles. We couldn’t try to address and rectify every bad decision mom and Dear Alexa were making as it kept mom running hot and unloading onto Dear Alexa. Every attempt Dad made to do something kind and beneficial for Dear Alexa was twisted by mom and unified them against “the unreasonable dad who was trying to take away…(insert whatever ).”
The only way to disrupt this dad-hating momentum the two of them had going on was to remove Dad from the equation.
Stepping back and allowing some seriously bad “sans parenting” was painful – but necessary to break the “dad’s entirely to blame” united front.
We had to weigh equally bad options and pick the “lesser of evils.” Stepping in if and only it became emergent. We had to watch Dear Alexa’s physical health decline, her education nose-dive, and her mental health crash and burn. Even by the time something became “critical,” mom still did everything possible to prevent Dad from stepping in to help – putting her own daughter’s health and well-being at stake.
Dad had to find a way to get Dear Alexa the help she needs while also balancing the collateral damage of parental alienation.
We coined the term – Making bad decisions for a higher good.
We focus on Dear Alexa’s most crucial and immediate needs, letting some “lesser” things slide. When Dad needs to step in and take action, we prepare for hostile deflection in mom’s attempts to make it Dad’s fault. At the moment, it’s communicating through attorneys to get Dear Alexa a new therapist. Making everyone aware of the truth and holding mom’s feet to the fire in front of witnesses is the only way to ensure mom will comply. Alienators are professional liars.
We push hard only when necessary as it always includes backlash.
This last round resulted in Dear Alexa canceling plans with Dad and going back to ignoring his outreach.
A few bad decisions we’ve had to make for a higher good?
- Letting education slide while focusing on mental well-being. Dear Alexa is smart. She will make up for whatever she has missed by not attending school. Giving her the therapeutic tools to weather this parental alienation storm is worth the possibility that she may not be able to get into her first choice university.
- Allowing the social disconnect of attending online school while focusing on her self-discovery of truth. Fine, she’ll have some social skills to catch up on, but it was worth removing the public school equation from mom’s fight to “prove” Dear Alexa’s “mom-diagnosed-disabilities.” (Mom assumed and created autism and social anxiety diagnoses to justify her inability to get Dear Alexa to school). Without that added pressure, Dear Alexa will come into her truth when she’s ready.
- Allowing Dear Alexa to experience social isolation so she could learn first hand that she doesn’t want to live a life of disconnect. Letting her reengage on her terms rather than digging in her heels feeling forced.
- Supporting bad decisions and equally bad consequences. We are choosing to be Dear Alexa’s biggest cheerleader, supporting her in any way we can and she will allow. This is her experience to have and learn from – Failures, consequences and all. She will learn resilience – Something that will serve her well into adulthood.
- Not getting involved when mom sets Dad up to be the bad guy. Mom will “warn” Dear Alexa that Dad won’t approve or support something, or that Dad will interfere and try to block her from getting what she wants. When Dear Alexa is upset or nervous to share something with Dad (clear indicators that mom has been coaching), we make every effort to support her all the more to ease this stress.
What do we consider the “Higher Good” – Dear Alexa’s physical and mental health. This amazing Dad will always do whatever’s necessary to ensure Dear Alexa’s health and well-being.
Note to Birth Mom – It doesn’t have to be this difficult. Seriously. In any moment you have the choice to let go of your need for vengeance and focus on living a happy life – You can’t have both.
11 comments