There is so much to unpack when it comes to parental alienation. Shame being one of the most painful. For even when the alienated (targeted) parent is an amazing parent, having to tell friends and family that you’re not in contact with your child is typically met with some variation of “what did you do” side glances.
People want to believe that the alienated parent played a part because the alternative is beyond comprehension. For no one wants to even consider the idea that a parent could be so cruel as to actively traumatize their child by encouraging them to hate a parent – It’s downright abusive.
This stigma that the alienated parent is somehow to blame for their child’s refusal to spend time with them results in feelings of humiliation. This only compounds the anger and frustration over the injustice of it all. All of which influences an alienated parent’s decisions and actions attempting to rectify a no-win situation.
I came into this relationship sans children so I’m not familiar with the need to procreate. I am, however, very much committed to the fact that a parent needs to have the emotional maturity to put their children’s needs above their own. Ergo, I came into this relationship fully prepared to put Dear Alexa’s needs first… Fully prepared to jump in front of a speeding car to save her life. So the idea that a mother would deliberately destroy her child’s relationship with Dad just to punish an ex feels downright evil.
When I searched for insights, I found far too many sites that felt like an unloading of dark energy. Every story was heart-wrenchingly painful and every alienated parent was justified in finding a space to unload. I just knew that I needed a positive perspective or we would be heading down a very dark path.
From day one, Dad has focused on taking the higher road – no matter what untruth has been said or wrong action done. In the beginning, the anger that exuded from this child was intense! In her dear naivety, she had no idea the complaints and hostile feelings she carried were actually her mothers. Even in joint therapy sessions, she struggled to find the real reason why she was so angry at Dad and often looked to her mother to answer questions for her.
Part of my personal therapeutic process has been journaling, which I eventually turned into this blog. Now I’ll be the first to admit that there were dozens of entries that I poured my heart and soul into just to turn around and hit “delete” – An unloading and processing of dark energy for me, but definitely not fit for any kind of public consumption.
Taking accountability for what I put “out there” is incredibly important to me. So – yes – while I felt anger and frustration that I needed to work through, I wasn’t going to unload and add to the darkness. I wanted to create a ray of hope. A space for the real “Dear Alexa” to discover some day and realize that she has always been top of mind, even during our longest stretches of disconnect.
Now, as I’m watching the tremendous growth and reconnection Dad is enjoying with his daughter, I feel like I finally have a perspective of pure hope to offer anyone who stumbles across this little blog.
Reconnection is not only possible – Your relationship can be better than ever – IF you handle the disconnect in a positive way.
We knew that the mom was focusing heavily on a couple of alienation tactics:
- Erasing and/or re-writing the past – Trying to convince the child that they don’t have any positive memories of the alienated parent. Altering memories and even going so far as to “plant” false negative stories/memories. We started to notice that some of Dear Alexa’s complaints about Dad had absolutely nothing to do with her own experience, and everything to do with the mom’s complaints during the marriage. Talk about inappropriate unloading!
- Creating abandonment and rejection – “They aren’t here, thus, they don’t want to be here… Don’t want to be with you…” The alienating parent will use home front advantage every chance they get. Because “If dad really loved you, he would…. (insert… anything really).” That’s why this amazing Dad committed to reaching out every single day… Especially when he didn’t get a response.
Coping during the long stretches of pure silence is brutal. We always wanted to feel like we were doing something to correct the situation.
Here are a few regrettable actions we took:
You have to fight – This bad advice came from so many sources that it feels like the auto-response to any father who has had his right to spend time with their daughter taken away. One mental health professional even went so far as to describe alienation as abusive as if his daughter were being physically harmed. Now Dad felt like he was condoning abuse by not kicking in mom’s front door and rescuing his daughter. Thus, we fought in the only way we knew how – through the legal system.
Result – The tremendous amount of time and money spent in court feels miniscule compared to the pure hate and maliciousness that the mom and her attorney unloaded on Dad every chance they got. Dad was held hostage in court, demeaned, lied about, and “out lawyered” every step of the way. It’s been one of the worst experiences as we’ve come to learn that there is no justice occurring in the family legal system.
Advice – Don’t fight. Aside from the obvious court biases (and, in our case, the judge’s friendship with mom), it only heightens the entire experience of alienation. It forces the alienating parent to lie, manipulate, and make up horrible stories to justify the alienation. Keep on fighting and now you’ve cornered the alienator who will stop at nothing to defend themselves – that includes more toxicity being unloaded on children.
Court mandated therapy – Well, yes and no. We both agreed that Dear Alexa needed great personal therapy to help give her the tools she’ll need to weather this experience. Mom put up so many roadblocks that Dad literally had to keep taking her back to court just to enforce it. Dear Alexa went through 6 therapists in approximately a year and a half. Where it went awry was when mom hijacked therapy sessions, sharing her “reality,” turning personal therapy into “why dad’s entirely to blame” therapy. Once the truth began to surface, the therapist was fired.
Then there was father-daughter court ordered reunification therapy. In alienation cases, forcing the child and alienated parent into joint therapy often backfires – big time. Unless you’ve got a therapist specifically trained on identifying and handling parental alienation, therapy does more harm than good.
Result – The first few rounds of joint therapy were hell. Mom even going so far as to leaving work early so she could listen to the joint Zoom therapy call with Dad. Every question the therapist asked was met with putting Zoom on “mute” while mom instructed Dear Alexa on how to answer. Gratefully, a few things shifted so that joint therapy began working. What changed?
- Therapy needs to be mandated by the court with the alienating parent held accountable if it doesn’t occur.
- Therapy needs to be in person with the alienated parent driving the child to and from sessions.
- The therapist must be trained specifically on parental alienation.
- The child needs to be mature enough to perceive their own reality.
- The child needs regular (and uninfluenced) personal therapy as well.
Advice – Focus entirely on the child’s individual therapy. We gave one of her therapists our credit card and permission to meet with Dear Alexa whenever she reached out. Let them work through their own stuff without the added pressure of forcing joint therapy sessions. “Pressure” being the alienating parent’s efforts to do everything possible to sabotage joint therapy.
UPDATE – The mom found a way to weaponize joint therapy – Coaching Dear Alexa on what to say and using information shared against Dad in court. Remember – One step back after three steps forward is still movement in a positive direction. Keep trying.
Gratefully, we also committed to some really great strategies that have had the biggest impact:
Show up every single day in whatever way the child is able to accept you. That means texting daily reminders that they are loved and missed. Sending pictures and reminders anytime you come across things you used to enjoy doing together. Leaving regular “checking in” phone messages to let them know you’re thinking about them. I would imagine it’s pretty hard to buy into mom’s story that Dad didn’t want her when she had literally hundreds of text messages and picture reminders to the contrary on her phone. [Update – We learned that mom reads Dear Alexa’s texts and it triggers an unloading of hostility on Dear Alexa. “Showing up” will be different for everyone based on their circumstances.]
BE the parent they need you to be. Don’t get looped into the pokes and prods of the alienating parent. They will push your buttons in an attempt to get you to crack – Just so they can justify all the lies they’ve been telling the kids. Don’t crack! Take the high road – ALWAYS. Eventually, kids will notice that there’s no solid proof to the alienating parent’s claims and start to question the validity. BE the proof your kids are searching for.
Welcome every connection with open arms. Even if it’s a request/demand to buy them something. They’re coming in “hot” because they’re being coached. Never attempt to address the lies the alienating parent tells the kids – that only makes them defensive. Do everything you can to connect in a positive way and be honest – that includes letting them know if you can’t afford what they’re asking for. You can instill positive traits like honesty and compassion from afar.
Focus on building your most fulfilled life – We had to come to terms with the fact that this alienation was out of our control and engaging with mom only made matters worse – for us and Dear Alexa. So rather than getting caught in the trap of resentment and frustration over that fact, we refocused all our energy towards positive pursuits that we could control such as expanding our businesses.
BE Happy – The tipping point, for us, has simply been living our happiest life, despite circumstances to the contrary. “Radical Gratitude” is an active choice we make every day to create peace and joy in our lives right now. We are focused on our loving experiences, supportive friends and family, and new business opportunities. We don’t pressure visits, we celebrate them. We plan fun activities and follow through on our promises. The life we live is full of integrity, connection, peace, love, and laughter.
Energy – I have to pay homage to my quantum physics father on this one. Like attracts like energy. Permeate desperate, clingy energy and you actually begin to feel like the bad person the alienating parent has depicted to the kids. On the other hand – Living your fullest, happiest life is a magnet for attracting kids to reconnect when they’re ready.
Dear Alexa is seeing through the darkness of this experience because of the light we shine.
We wish every single person experiencing alienation all our love and offer you HOPE. Invest this disconnected time in improving yourself and your life. Take tender loving care of yourself and –
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