We’ve been under siege for months, so much so that the silent treatment meant to punish Dad feels like a welcome reprieve. There’s an odd peace in stepping back from the endless arguments and emotional black mail – yet that calm is tinged with guilt. Guilt for holding boundaries, and even more for appreciating the stillness silence creates. The contradiction is hard to sit with.
Somewhere amid the chaos, I started to notice a familiar rhythm to it all. A cycle – strategy even – meticulously crafted, rehearsed, and implemented to extract, control, and wound. We get it all – bait-and-switch requests, gaslighting, convenient amnesia, emotional escalation, demands, and threats. And it isn’t simply the natural mood swings of a teenager – it’s enmeshed with the more complicated, unresolved issues of her mother.
All of which makes this “punishment phase” – vengeance turned inward – rather ironically self-inflected.
The Three Phases
Phase One – Everything you ever wanted and wanted to hear. See also bait-and-switch, gaslighting, and convenient amnesia.
The first phase is wonderful. She wants to spend time with Dad and says all the right things. She wants to go back to in-person school and make new friends, perhaps get a part time job, and get back into physical activities. All things Dad values and supports. Not only does Dad get precious time with his daughter, but he feels he’s been able to instill amazing qualities despite years of alienation.
When the request to take lead in this new life plan, Dad jumped at the opportunity despite the obvious red flags – Why this and why now? The mom took lead on all scholastic matters for the purpose of maintaining sole control. Now she was freely handing it over? It didn’t add up.
Sadly, it’s a façade – a beautiful idea based on half-truths designed to get a “yes”… (fine print – all terms are subject to change – several times over to create confusion – and the end result that you’re saying yes to won’t even come close to resembling the original request). Sometimes the terms shift so slightly that it goes unnoticed, thereby setting a precedence that this “yes” is malleable and applies even if the terms change. Then terms begin to change drastically as little nuggets of “truth” arise. Cue “I told you” and “you don’t remember” gaslighting. When all is said and done, the “ask” isn’t even close to the original “ask”, but rather a crafty disguise to get something entirely different for entirely different reasons.
Now every sweet nothing she’s said was just that – nothing but a ploy in a much grander scheme that only she and her mother are privy to. School may have been the driving (pun intended) factor in this charade… Or maybe not…. True motives are never disclosed.
Buckle up (pun intended) for Phase Two…
Phase Two – The never-ending argument. See also emotional escalation, demands, and threats.
This is where the term “you never listen to me” is used as psychological warfare. For not getting what you want is interpreted as not listening – Now it’s a personal slight and perhaps lack of love for a daughter, not just a healthy parental boundary.
This phase is as well-rehearsed as it is exhausting. This kind and thoughtful father went into great detail explaining the need behind his decision – a financial boundary – sharing far more about our financial situation than I’m comfortable with a 16 year old knowing. Or should I say, information passed onto her mother who turned it into a dad-bashing “can’t afford to support his daughter” shame-inducing attempt.
This was when we learned what the real ask was – a car – and the extent they would both go to in order to get what they wanted. For a 16 year old, it’s freedom. For her mother – control and demanding another pound of flesh.
Wow… Just wow. I only saw a tiny fraction of this phase live, in person. But it was enough to explain the pure exhaustion – body, mind, and soul-crushing exhaustion – my husband exhibited after each round of negotiations. It was beyond painful. I had to remind myself that these weren’t her words fueled by such intense anger. That no offspring would be so uncaring as to tell a parent to “figure it out… or else…” when a financial line needed to be drawn. That part was entirely her mother. She was well coached on what to say and provoked into spurting it out as we dropped her off at her mother’s house.
This amazing father was pushed well beyond his personal boundaries and ready to cave in. But at that point, even the slightest compromise would only reinforce the kicking and screaming temper tantrum it took to get there. And that was unacceptable.
We stood our ground – knowing it would get much, much worse before better.
Phase Three – Punishing Dad. See also implosion, denial, and deflecting responsibility.
She stopped responding entirely. Death by silent treatment may inflict severe harm during the hardest of the alienation years, but at this point of exhaustion, it’s a relief. It’s much easier to ignore the “do this or else…” texts than the kind “want to connect” ones. She’s no longer trying a kind approach. No longer spending time with Dad – even if it’s just to argue her case once more. She’s sending huffy-puffy, snippy texts with her mom trailing with her own “I can’t do this all the time” martyr ones.
Dear alienating parents – You don’t get it to have it both ways. You can either be a good co-parent and enjoy all the perks that come with shared custody… Or not. You don’t get to deny a connection, then send nasty texts demanding support when it suits you.
Dear alienated parents – I’ll share with you my favorite personal mantra –
Rise & Shine On
(Yes, I was raised by hippies)
There’s a karmic silver lining to this punishment phase – the alienation experience itself. People who seek to punish or harm another may inflict harm as intended, but harmful actions are absolutely guaranteed to harm the one inflicting them.
This kind of poetic justice could never be found in family court.
One of my favorite authors and activists, Marianne Williamson, explained divine timing on Oprah. She explained that anything taken or withheld from you is held in trust and returned in divine timing. It’s A Course in Miracles thing – Would suggest Alan Cohen’s “A Course in Miracles Made Easy” if you’re looking to dive in.
There have definitely been times where I’ve felt guided, then questioned that guidance when things didn’t turn out as hoped or expected. But I’ve come to realize that every block and every limit was in place for a divine reason. We’ve been protected in our moments of “loss” – Inspired to rebuild something far better when something fell apart. Maybe something needs to break in order to break free.
It has taken us a long time to accept this hard truth, but this is Dear Alexa’s path to navigate. Letting her figure things out for herself is like the Universe letting us believe we’ve fallen flat on our face. We later learn that the life lesson learned made us a better person and what was labeled a “failure” was actually a blessing in disguise.
Dear Alexa – Do your thing. Be stubborn if that suits you right now – Your mom will eventually cave in and get you that car. Just know it will take our absence from the conflict before that can happen. And once you have that car, be bold and explore. Make mistakes, learn great life lessons, and reinvent yourself over and over again. Be free –
Trust in the Divine – That’s when real magic begins to happen.
