“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”
Malachy McCourt
There may be initial justification in taking a hard line with someone who has done something to harm or upset us. But when it comes to grudge holding, it’s often the person who inflicts the harm that projects and blames it on someone else rather than owning up to the fact that they were wrong.
The difference between drawing a healthy boundary with someone who has harmed us and sliding down the slippery slope of projection and resentment? Personal boundaries are about honoring our needs and improving relationships. Resentment, on the other hand, is entirely one-sided, needing to be right and win at all costs, and will eventually consume the grudge holder alive.
When resentment is allowed to linger, it takes root in our soul and grows into a heavy weight of a grudge to be carried. If left unchecked, grudges continue to build to the point where all the negative energy needs to go somewhere, which is typically where people seek revenge so they can dump it on another.
But like I touched upon in our Karmic Merry Christmas post – The actions of one seeking revenge might harm the one they seek to unload upon, but they are karmically guaranteed to harm the one seeking revenge.
Grudges have a sneaky way of showing up in every area of our lives – mentally, emotionally, socially, and physically. They cause an inner sense of turmoil as anger and hate eats away at the soul. They are the constant mind chatter listing all the reasons why they’re justified. They show up as feeling unloved and unsupported as friendships often turn sour. Over time, the body absorbs all the negativity through weight gain, toxic relationships, illnesses, abusive behaviors towards self and others, and a general outer countenance of ugliness.
There’s a saying – We can either be right, or we can be happy. I feel the same about grudges.
We can either hold a grudge, resent others, and seek revenge, or we can choose to let go and be happy.
The way we let go and resolve resentments is simple – Forgiveness. But this concept of forgiving another battles with our ego’s need to be right and vindicated. I can’t think of a single movie that ends with forgiving the enemy and walking peacefully off in the sunset. Hollywood produces grandiose, vengeful, action-packed films depicting revenge as the only way to move on. But even in these sensational movies, everyone ends up bloodied and bruised – even our rightly justified heroine.
Forgiveness is definitely a challenging subject for most. It feels like we’re being asked to let someone off of the hook for a wrong-doing. But if we imagine this grudge as a growing weight on our shoulders being carried that drains our well-being, we might be able to shift this mindset. Forgiveness sets US free – Releases US from having to carry the weight.
I’ll forego the intimate details of how this is presenting at the moment. I’m sure you are becoming quite familiar with the grudge routine that regularly plays out around you. But what you may not be aware of is –
You always have a choice.
In my Harsh Truth About Seeking to Avenge post, I refer to digging two graves when seeking revenge – one for yourself.
Many people who stubbornly cling to their grudges consider themselves a “victim” of their circumstances. Blindly believing that they have no control which (ironically enough) tends to feed their resentments and desires for revenge even more. The continuing grudge cycle becomes more and more destructive as attempting to manipulate and unload at all costs will eventually costs the person seeking revenge everything.
Forgiveness could be the most empowering choice you can make when you’ve been “wronged” by another. For releasing resentments towards another will set you free.
Dear Alexa – You are witnessing the results of choosing to hold a grudge over living a happy life. Both options are equally available in any moment we choose to make it. Your Dad and I will always support your choice to be happy. We also need to allow the natural consequences to unfold of mom’s choice to hold a grudge.
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