That was quite the scene your mother made today. You are quickly recognizing the tipping point of no return. Dad too. There wasn’t much he could do once mom threatened to sue the principal of your school. Sadly, Dad watched as you withdrew in response, almost in an attempt to disappear, as your mother answered every question for you. You certainly don’t have the option of speaking up for yourself or having your own opinions right now.
My heart sinks when I consider how you feel when you’re caught in the middle of these uncontrollable outbursts.
I would like to share a few “stray” (ok, so maybe “not-so-stray”) thoughts on unsavory behaviors based on a lifetime of encounters with people who like to make a scene…
Belittling Others –
People who belittle another usually do so to appear bigger and better than by comparison. They think they can project a “smarter than” or “more important” façade, but in reality, these people are just trying to convince themselves that they are good enough. If someone attempts to put you down, just remember that they are talking about themselves – not you.
Over-Talking –
Getting louder and talking over another is a power play. The volume increases to the extent that they are deeply denying what another has to say and will get loud enough to prevent them from saying it. Usually, it’s the truth that they are trying to avoid being heard. My advice? Speak your truth anyways.
Bullying –
Unfortunately bullies don’t magically go away after High School. These people are mean and spiteful towards others and seek revenge for any perceived slight. They are unable to control themselves so they demand full control of the situation. Tactics include every unsavory behavior listed here to intimidate and make another scared to speak up for themselves. But as you may know – When you stand up to a bully, you soon find out that they are actually a coward.
Threatening –
While over-talking and bullying are classic power maneuvers, threatening is the ultimate power ego-trip in that they feel like they are entitled to forcibly take what they want. It’s also an incredibly manipulative way to get what they want at another’s expense. Making threats is an adult version of a 2-year old’s temper tantrum – hysterical demands and manipulation to get what they want. The only solution? Ignore the tantrum.
Aggression –
Aggressive behaviors typically go hand-in-hand with fear. Fear of exposure (why they belittling others), fear of getting caught in their lies (hence over-talking), fear of losing control (forcibly control by bullying), and fear of not getting what they want (last resort threatening). The more aggressive they get, the more they expose the very thing they fear the most.
Understanding what someone fears the most is powerful.
It brings a level of compassion for someone’s core truth that is exposed through their unsavory behaviors. Use this knowledge wisely.
My hope is that you will come to understand the core beneath your mom’s anger and hostilities – To recognize that it’s not yours, nor is it yours to fix. For we are only responsible for our own choices and actions.
We all have past hurts and tenderness beneath even the most unsavory of behaviors. And we are all empowered with the choice to either turn inward and heal our wounded spaces or project them outward to blame and avoid.
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