This is the last of my parental alienation hard truth series. As with everything I write, I hope it feels infused with love and light. As painful as the alienation experience is, I believe reconnection is the natural course. Showing Dear Alexa that love is unconditional and light is infinite is how her father and I have been able to RISE.
Quick Recap –
#1 No healthy, stable parent would put their children in this situation.
Something unresolved within the alienating parent is the driving force behind the need to alienate a child from another parent. Whether that’s mental illness, personality disorder, trauma, and/or fears of rejection and abandonment. D – All of the above.
We are not coparenting with a stable, cooperative parent capable of focusing on what’s in Dear Alexa’s best interest. Mom is actively counter-parenting as she is unable to compromise and focused more on exacting revenge than loving her own daughter. Dad’s words and gestures of love and support for Dear Alexa trigger mom’s hostilities which is then unloaded on Dear Alexa. To help ease this experience, we have made the hard choice to release and allow the truth to rise.
We’ve released far more than we’re comfortable with. We’ve allowed difficult experiences to unfold naturally even knowing the full impact and consequences. They certainly haven’t been the best options, but they’re the only options we have right now. From this space of calm that we’ve created, the truth is slowly rising. Dear Alexa is slowly rising and gravitating back into our lives.
#2 Fighting makes things worse.
It was necessary for Dad to step in (on three different court occasions) to fight for Dear Alexa’s basic rights for physical and mental health. But fighting intensifies the parental alienation experience. What we recognized within the battlefield was how each and every court filing and settlement negotiation attempt caused Dear Alexa to disconnect from Dad even further.
We came to a hard conclusion that Dear Alexa is better off by our stepping back when mom wants to fight. We make every effort to disengage from mom so that this situation can calm down. This gives Dear Alexa a much-needed break from being told how she thinks and feels so she may rediscover her own feelings and thoughts about her Dad.
#3 Sometimes you need to make bad decisions for a higher good.
Parental alienation didn’t just take away Dad’s loving connection with Dear Alexa. It quite literally striped him of every parental right to help raise and have a positive influence on Dear Alexa’s life. That includes helping her make better decisions, setting an example for healthy habits, and guiding her to become a happy, independent, and successful adult.
Stepping back and allowing some seriously bad “sans parenting” has definitely been painful for us to watch. But it has been necessary in order to break the “dad’s entire to blame” united front Dear Alexa and her mom have had going on for the past few years. Allowing Dear Alexa to experience difficulties and consequences without Dad to blame is teaching her resilience while also holding mom accountable.
#4 Why you need to RISE and BE the light that guides your children home
I found an amazing writer on the subject who explains that “Parental Alienation Steals the Soul of a Child.” “Forcing a child to carry burdens which do not belong to them… and [manipulating] them to believe things that are untrue… impacts their self-expression, creativity and capacity for relationships with others.”
I feel like Dear Alexa’s pre-teen and teenage years are being taken from her. She doesn’t get to hang with friends, check out cute boys at school, or explore artistic pursuits like I was doing at her age. Mom has made Dear Alexa believe she is incapable of handling these things. Dear Alexa has been forced into a traumatizing, codependent relationship with her mom at an age when she has no idea what codependency is, least of all can do anything about it.
Dear Alexa needs to know that there is more to life than this parental alienation experience she is having right now. And it’s up to this awesome Dad to do everything possible to pattern what healthy and happy looks and feels like.
BE the healthy, stable parent your children need.
Dear Alexa needs a parent who can put her needs above his own. Stand strong when needed and supportive of positive interests. It was absolutely worth fighting for Dear Alexa’s physical and mental well-being. Helping her recognize the truth of this parental alienation experience while also giving her the tools she’ll need to have healthy relationships in the future was well worth it. However, we’ve had to learn to release as many of mom’s “triggers” as possible. Pretty hard when everything is a trigger… That has included not engaging when mom wants to fight, not pressuring Dear Alexa to spend time with Dad, and allowing mom to have full custody.
HARD decisions have been made – But each and every one of them have been with Dear Alexa’s best interest in mind.
Set an example of the positive life you want your children to have.
We’ve considered what home life is like for Dear Alexa. I would imagine it’s pretty difficult (if not impossible) for mom to create a happy life while attempting to destroy another. We have to watch Dear Alexa cringe every time mom texts and calls during her visits with Dad. When mom feels triggered, we have to experience Dear Alexa’s withdrawal in response.
It’s sad to think that during a time when Dear Alexa should be focused on self-discovery and having her own teenage experience, her life revolves around mom’s anger and inability to move forward with her life.
We try to be an example of everything Dear Alexa is missing – A peaceful home, Dad’s full support in exploring anything that interests her, and the loving relationship her Dad and I enjoy. We show her that hanging out with friends is full of laughter – not gossiping about the other parent.
Most recently, Dear Alexa got a glimpse of my large family gathered for brunch in our tiny kitchen – Funny sibling memories shared, our parent’s not-so-“shocked” reactions, and a whole lot of love and laughter. Now that’s what I want for Dear Alexa.
BE the proof your children are searching for.
It may have taken a few years to get here, but Dear Alexa is starting to realize that not everything mom portrays is truth. This amazing Dad has been impeccable when it comes to his words and actions. His unconditional love and consistency has helped guide Dear Alexa to discover her own truth. We absolutely love watching her growing into her own unique person.
Recognizing the truth, however, is just the beginning in Dear Alexa’s awakening. Discovering mom’s lies is one thing, coming to terms with a parent who is willing to manipulate, destroy a loving relationship, and put her own need for vengeance above doing what’s best for her child?! That’s going to be brutal.
We RISE
For us, rising above parental alienation includes a radical shift in perspective as well as radical gratitude. Every time we get blindsided by threats or attempts to negatively engage just so she can unload, we hit PAUSE. Yes, Capital Pause. Taking a moment to shift our focus back to what’s most important (Dear Alexa’s well-being) helps us disengage and get back to living our happy lives.
“Radical Gratitude” is an active choice we make every single day to create peace and joy in our lives right now. We are focused on our loving experiences, supportive friends and family, and expanding business opportunities.
When Dear Alexa awakens to the truth of this parental alienation experience, she will have a healthy parent to lean on for support because of Dad’s strength and perseverance. Dear Alexa will heal from this trauma because Dad fought for her, not against her mom. The life Dear Alexa will live will be far greater than this experience because of the example we are setting – A life full of integrity, connection, peace, love, and laughter.
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