When I was growing up, lying took effort. I stammered my way through a convincing enough (perhaps not) story, then had to try to remember those details just in case it was brought up again. I quickly discovered that: 1) I was a terrible liar; and 2) It takes way too much energy trying to maintain a lie.
So it takes me aback when a lie is the “auto-pilot” default response to whatever question is being asked. Even something as simple as “have you eaten?” is met with pause to consider an answer. Which got me thinking.
Why is lying the preference?
Developing Identity – Kids are still trying to figure out who they are. Trying on new identities may be a way of exploring and growing. It could help them get away with things they think their parents may not approve of.
Self-Protection – Information shared could ignite upset or anger with a parent which causes anxiety and discomfort for the child. Telling mom that spending time with Dad sucked may be the only way a child knows how to soothe mom’s insecurities and drop the subject.
Shut Down – An effective way to end a potentially uncomfortable conversation by simply offering nothing at all. I could definitely see how kids in a volatile living situation might find it easier to keep to themselves rather than engaging with the crazy.
Control – Even if a child wrapped up in alienation tactics understands their situation, most likely, they have no ability to influence or change the situation. They can’t control their parents or their situation, but they can decide what they say or don’t say.
Alienating Parents Lie – Alienation tactics are entirely based on bending or outright altering the truth to create bias. Some of the lies have been presented with such conviction that I actually question whether mom has the ability to differentiate between truth and lie. This solid “reality” is presented to Dear Alexa as truth at an age when she may not be able to decipher for herself what truth is.
Privacy – Personally (my own top reason when I was a kid), I feel that when kids want independence, they crave privacy more than anything else. A lie draws a privacy boundary, protecting their emerging truth.
In essence, lying may actually help ease the parental alienation experience for Dear Alexa.
