To Dear Alexa’s Birth Mom,
In your overly litigious head, winning is absolutely everything. There’s no margin for error and loss, so, needless to say, you are really good at winning. You like to push every boundary to exhaustion – If only to prove to yourself that there isn’t a single boundary you can’t obliterate.
By your personal account of things at the moment (post court annihilation of Dad), you have won. Your daughter is refusing to have even a smidgeon of a relationship with her Dad.
Congratulations??? [heavy sarcasm implied]
Unfortunately, this “winning at all costs” approach doesn’t translate quite so successfully when it comes to life – Particularly when the cost is your very happiness. The energy you invest being angry, holding grudges, and seeking vengeance is hardly a recipe for a joyful life.
What does this latest full-custody “win” actually look like for you?
The “doing it all on your own” badge of honor aside, full custody means you’re on your own. Your attempts to get Dear Alexa to attend school and do homework has become borderline absurd as we continue to get the absentee notices. Getting her to and from doctors and therapists appointments if only to justify her non-attendance at school. Orchestrating time and activities for her and her friends every weekend to ensure that you’re the friend’s favorite too. Entertaining every whim for fear that if you don’t, she might turn to Dad, and you need to do whatever it takes to guarantee that she always prefers you.
Without the joint custody model in place, you are left without much support aren’t you? Your like-minded friends aren’t interested in helping out with carpool duty and there are only so many ways to manipulate grandma into thinking that carpool is “quality time” with her granddaughter.
And while you may be in a financial position to fulfill every Dear Alexa demand, there may come a time when you can’t or simply don’t want to. There may even come a time when a hard consequence needs to be imposed that would be so much easier shifting to Dad’s responsibility, so you don’t have to be the bad guy.
This might be the time when you regret some of these wins of yours…
Have you considered the byproduct of punishment-by-alienation tactics? Your loving, compassionate 13-year old is in the middle of your quest to blame and punish your ex and she will defend you even if that includes cutting off the unconditional love and support of her Dad.
For now….
Sure, as a teenager enjoying way too much freedom right now, she’s preferring your “no rules or boundaries” home life. But what happens when she’s old enough to realize what has been taken from her? Dear Alexa will eventually come to understand that you influenced her to hate dad at a time in her life when she needed both her parents love and support… And she will resent the hell out of you for it.
Your need to “win” could eventually cost you everything…
As for us, we’ve chosen to disengage as much as possible from your battles. We want a close relationship with Dear Alexa more than anything. However, current circumstances are such that we can’t force this situation without doing more harm to all involved. But don’t assume we’re losing because you think you are winning.
Let me outline for you what “losing” looks like…
We are carpool, homework, and WiFi restriction duty free. We are building a business and exploring our living options. We’re enjoying adulting weekends with friends and traveling for work and pleasure. Even a regular workday typically includes listening to bossa nova while cooking and drinking wine together.
Life is good.
Perhaps this winning at all costs is, in actuality, costing YOU more than you bargained for whilst seeking revenge.
Now don’t you wish Dear Alexa was visiting dad every now and then… If only so you could enjoy a girl’s spa weekend in Napa?
We are preparing for the day when Dear Alexa recognizes that the anger isn’t hers. When she understands that there is no need to punish or seek revenge. When she has the choice to let it all go and reconnect with her loving Dad.
That may be the day when you learn that the cost of winning isn’t worth the price of happiness.
p.s. Don’t worry – Even when she comes to live with us full time, we will encourage her to make amends with you… Not for your sake, but for her well being.
3 comments