Dear Alexa – You have assumed that total freedom is your birthright at the tender age of 13. That you are capable of making the best decisions that will make you happy. So you’re fighting every rule, pushing every boundary, in search of breaking that “no means no” firm line that defines the limits.
You may think that limits and boundaries are holding you back, but I would share with you that these hard lines are the very foundation of what will give you the confidence to soar.
Right now, you’re enjoying no rules or limits in your mother’s house. I totally understand how amazing that seems as a teenager. I would have given anything to have had the same when I was your age. On the surface, total freedom to do whatever we want, whenever we want, however we want sounds pretty enticing.
When I was 14, I remember laying on the grass with my best friend, dreaming of moving away (didn’t really matter where) and being free to “reinvent” ourselves completely anew. That somehow freedom from our home rules would give us the opportunity to become the person we wanted to be. It would take me another 20 years to realize that it was actually the firm rules and boundaries I grew up with that gave me the freedom to confidently explore the world and become the person I wanted to be –
Not the blind freedom at an age when I wasn’t prepared for the gravity of it.
You, my love, are being seduced by the idea that total freedom is where happiness lies. “Lies” being the key concept here. For are you truly happy in your no rules household? And before you start listing all the things that make you happy, remove the temporary fixes – All the “stuff” we buy thinking it will make us happy. True happiness is not connected to something we buy and own. Happiness is an inside job – something we simply are.
Your Dad is being a good Dad. Whether you can see that right now or not. It’s the reason why you can’t really figure out why you’re so upset with him. You call Dad “stubborn” and “mean” because he makes you go to school to get an education… “Unreasonable” because he wants to get healthy food in your growing body and limits WiFi so you can get a good night’s sleep.
At the core of your arguments is the truth that Dad loves you and cares about your long-term happiness and well-being. You can try to justify every illusion you’ve created to hide Dad’s loving motives, but when the truth comes out (and it always does eventually), it sounds ridiculous to be upset with a parent who is making positive decisions for what’s best for you.
Like most teens, you are searching for an identity. Caught up in the instant gratification loop that lures you into believing it’s something you can buy and have right now rather than time and structure to simply discover.
When do you know when you’re mature enough to make your own decisions? When you’re able to forego something you want right now for something far better in the future. That includes getting an education and eating healthy foods. You may not see the benefits now, but you most certainly will in 20 years… Particularly if you’re still living with mom gaming all day eating Nutella.
Good boundaries are the foundation of feeling safe and secure enough to soar when we’re ready. It’s the safety net under the trapeze, the harness while rock climbing. They’re not there to hold us back in any way – Just to catch us when we fall.
And yes, I do mean when. For if we’re not falling, we’re not living.
Lack of boundaries will forever keep you in search of them – Pushing with all your might the second someone attempts to put one in place, most likely crushing them to smithereens. Once you’ve pushed and broken enough rules and boundaries, you won’t trust in them and will believe yourself incapable of setting your own boundaries.
Only then, will you appreciate some of your Dad’s rules. For his standing firm on personal boundaries will eventually be the reason why you will be able to establish clearly defined, healthy boundaries for yourself. Learning how to enforce these boundaries will also be the reason why you’ll be a healthy and happy adult who lives independently in 20 years.
You’re welcome.
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