Two months of in-person school attendance completely changed Dear Alexa. She was making new friends, dressing up for “Spirit Week” and going to Homecoming. Dad got to pick her up from school and was teaching her how to drive. We felt this amazing sense of Dear Alexa’s happiness emerging as she reengaged with life… Reconnected with Dad…
Perhaps that was the trigger. This healthy, happy, and beautiful individual who was coming into her own and doing her own thing. Independence. Rather than embracing this amazing person Dear Alexa was becoming, the mom successfully found a way to squash this happiness by convincing Dear Alexa that she’s not well enough to attend school… Planting anxiety, physical ailments, and “disabilities” to ensure her codependent enmeshment.
We knew something was up when the mom reached out for help diagnosing Dear Alexa’s achy bones. We jumped in to help, hoping this could be the turn of events where we could work together for Dear Alexa’s healthcare benefit. Sadly, it was a set up. Getting Dad’s “buy in” for the physical ailments was mom’s way of justifying Dear Alexa dropping out of school.
Rather than standing up for the truth, we have to let this play out… yet again…
There’s a sense of bluntness that comes from growing up with four siblings that never sugar-coated anything, so I really struggle with not being able to speak the truth. The idea that you never say what needs to be said (and really needs to be heard) and having to concede to a heavily influenced 15 year old’s “decision” on what’s best for her is painful – to say the least. She’s 15. And while she may have a perfectly rehearsed explanation to support “her” decision for dropping out of school, her Dad and I know all too well that the justifications are all her mom’s excuses to keep her stuck within the confines of her house.
I can’t imagine what my life would have been if I had a parent clipping my wings every time I wanted to take flight – teaching me to fear life.
Connection with people is how I felt loved. Painful teenage moments taught me that I am resilient. Failure taught me how to rebuild anew. What if I didn’t get these opportunities during my formative years? How would this lack of perseverance affect my sense of self? Would I have had the courage to take chances and explore the world? Reinvent myself several times over as I grew and became so much more than my 15-year-old self could have ever imagined possible?
Sadly, I already know the answers to these questions. No. Giving up the second something gets hard or feels scary is the surest way to limit yourself to the “kiddie pool” life. Gratefully, I was raised by parents who always gave me a resounding “YES” when I questioned whether or not I was capable of something… Even if I fell flat on my face a couple of times on my way to success. This ‘YES” has resonated throughout decades of bold decisions and scary actions I’ve taken to pursue my dreams.
Dear Alexa – Here are some truths I would love to be sharing with you right now –
Those aches deep in your bones is the result of malnutrition. Your body is literally leeching the nutrients it needs from your bones because you’ve been allowed to eat nothing but sugar for the last three years. But don’t worry – It’s temporary. Improving your diet and getting daily exercise will naturally rebalance your body.
Giving up now will make trying again harder. Every time you give up and hide away when things feel uncomfortable only makes mustering up the courage to try again all the harder. Sure, High School is hard. But do you really want to give up and miss out on all the fun and awkward teenage experiences? And, no, they’re nothing like the movies.
You’re shutting us out again right now, but we’re not going anywhere. We’ll be here when you’re ready and able to connect. In fact, there’s a crockpot full of Bolognese simmering in the kitchen right now awaiting family and friends coming over for a holiday dinner.
We wish with all our heart that you were here…
Dear Birth Mom – We refer you to this – You cannot create an amazing life while attempting to destroy another.
