I found myself giving yet another “update” on the Dear Alexa front last weekend. Even my husband’s family prefers to ask me how things are going because just the question alone rattles this amazing Dad to his core. In as much as I’m totally maxed out on this experience, he walks an even finer line. For who wants to admit that the only contact you get with your child is 100% determined by an angry ex and temperamental fifteen-year-old? Simple questions like, “when are you going to see her again?” leave a deafening silence – Um…
“when she feels like it and her mother allows it…”
I overcompensate with my “rose colored” spin on what’s going down. Pointing out that “the good part” is that Dear Alexa is wanting to spend more time with Dad… Which includes allowing Dad to pick her up from school so she doesn’t have to wait for the bus. Or I find myself stating obvious things like “she’s back in school” which only adds to the confusion as to why she wouldn’t be going to school.
What I came to realize last weekend, is that alienation is not only a total power trip, but also a paradox of equal part narcissist and victim. While they may seem opposite sides of the spectrum, but I believe they walk hand-in-hand with alienators. It’s the extreme nature of both victim and victor – Both crying or screaming out to be heard – Both, despite the contrast, wanting to be saved.
I remember a mother waiting patiently next to her child who was throwing one hell of a tantrum on the grocery store floor. He was kicking everything within reach – the shopping cart, the rows of sugar cereal, and even his mother. When mom would step out of reach, he skooched his body closer so he could kick her again. All while holding a box of Cocoa Puffs like his life depended upon it. Mom, on the other hand, was simply reviewing her shopping list. It was this non-engagement in a seriously aggressive meltdown that struck me most. But now I’m fascinated with the fact that this mother was teaching her child a long-term skill that kicking and screaming doesn’t get you want you want and he’d have to come up with something better than a tantrum.
I’ve been rethinking some of the “temper tantrums” thrown by a 50-something woman (or a 60-something man – we’re dealing with both in legal matters right now) trying to fulfill her needs or force someone else to save her from her needs. But instead of a box of Cocoa Puffs, this woman wants to feel safe and secure and, unfortunately, she is using her daughter in an attempt to fulfill that void and a legal battle to force someone to save her from that void.
I’m going to take a cue from the good mother in the grocery store and engage just long enough to say,
“Get therapy and heal yourself.”
When someone seeking advice over brunch brought up a similar experience, I couldn’t help but by-pass the energetic tantrum portion of the story. My advice was a tad detached, like the calm demeanor of the grocery store mom. I suggested their friend get professional help and support – A LOT of it. Legal and emotional – An attorney familiar with alienation, individual and group therapy, and amass supportive friends and family. Build a team because you cannot do this alone.
You cannot change the alienation experience. You can only take tender loving care of yourself, so you are the healthy and happy parent your children want to return to.
Dear “Dear Alexa” – If I seem a little detached, it’s because I’m not engaging with any tantrum behaviors right now. I’m tanking tender loving care of myself and your father and I will (hopefully someday) teach you to do the same when you feel overwhelmed. The moment you become more than this alienation experience – I’m all in.
The moment your mom puts down the Cocoa Puffs and attempts to effectively co-parent,
