I was “no spring chicken” when I met this amazing man and father, so I had plenty of time to assess the situation before diving head-first into a serious relationship. I had heard all the stories about fathers who were looking for a partner to delegate child-raising duties to along with the difficult stepchildren who resented the hell out of this third-person assuming a parental role. However…
both the man and his precocious eight year old daughter won me over effortlessly.
This man is true and good to his very core. He makes a positive difference in every person’s life that he touches. He’s also an amazing father who wants the hands-on experience of raising his smart and thoughtful daughter.
The first word I used to describe “Dear Alexa” to my friends was precocious. Google it – intelligent, mature, articulate, clever, bright, gifted, and talented. I would also add empathetic, kind, inclusive, and fiercely protective.
I was all in.
I respected both of Dear Alexa’s parents by letting dad take the parental lead and taking a “cool aunt” role to avoid stepping on the mom’s toes. I thought we all had this blended family thing figured out. But nothing could have prepared me for the parental alienation experience that began to unfold when Dear Alexa turned twelve.
The “trigger” felt like a culmination of things – Dear Alexa was happy, thriving, and becoming more independent as she started Jr. High School… Dad was happy in a loving relationship and the three of us were enjoying time together… And mom was angry and resentful that her life hadn’t turned out the way she expected.
This contrast between homes became apparent when Dear Alexa started “coming in hot” – A term we coined when she came home for visitation in a very fowl mood. She was irritable and angry for no apparent reason and it would last anywhere from a few hours to a day before she would “shake” it off and fall back into her usual ways. Before transitioning back to her mom’s house, Dear Alexa would start building up the same hot temper. She was like an entirely different child right after being with, and in preparation of, being with her mom.
It was all downhill after that. We were the house full of “rules” – Going to school wasn’t optional and we encouraged her to eat healthy food before junk. We encouraged healthy habits such as bedtimes, physical activities, and time together to connect and talk. All of which was used against us as Dear Alexa was lured to live full time with mom under the guise of “total freedom” where Dear Alexa could make any decision she wanted. I’ll skip the details, but “total freedom” at an age when you’re not old enough to make good decisions is child abuse.
Teaching a child to hate their other parent is unforgiveable.
Mom got what she wanted – Vengeance on an ex-husband who didn’t give her the life she wanted and a codependent relationship with her daughter designed to keep Dear Alexa bound to her. Kind of redefines what “total freedom” entails. We had rules in place to help Dear Alexa learn and grow so she could become more independent and live her own life. Whereas mom’s freedom has disconnected Dear Alexa from living her life, has made her physically ill, and has made her totally reliant upon mom.
I’ve tried to wrap my head around the losses Dear Alexa is experiencing. Just the loss of not physically attending school – the friends, activities, and learning experiences. We’re going on 4 years now of Dear Alexa attending not leaving her mom’s house and going to online school. But what about the losses she is experiencing by not physically participating in LIFE for 4 of your most informative years? Years when you are learning and growing by leaps and bounds figuring out who you are and who you want to become.
Am I too old school? Can you skip the uncomfortable parts and smooth sail into adulthood?
All I know is that Dear Alexa’s wings have been clipped under the guise of total freedom… and there is nothing her loving father or I can do about it.
Destroying the loving relationship between Dad and Dear Alexa has also destroyed dad’s ability to influence how Dear Alexa is raised and who she is becoming. He doesn’t get to instill his positive values, teach life skills, or impart his healthy lifestyle of exercise and proper nutrition. This stepmom doesn’t get to share life experiences, open her mind to something greater than herself, or get her involved in the amazing projects we’re working on.
Sadly, Dear Alexa knows as little about us as we do her. Surface level things that can be shared on a short drive to therapy and back.
I realized the fear beneath our disconnect while on a recent business trip. Between a packed schedule of meetings, the Dad and I found time and a sliver of beautiful oceanside to sit and enjoy the view of crashing waves at our feet. Our first instinct is to always share a picture or video with Dear Alexa to connect. The reason why we sometimes don’t, is simply our fear is mom’s interference. We’ve already been here, done that. And even the sweetest of loving messages from Dad to Dear Alexa are used against him. This text would morph into a “tropical vacation instead of caring for his daughter” before the court.
It hurts my heart feeling like we cannot openly share… cannot lovingly connect… because absolutely everything we do sparks mom’s hostilities which is later unloaded on Dear Alexa in some way. I look forward to the day when we can be open and transparent, without fear of how it’s used against us or Dear Alexa. Just a simple beach video with a loving message –
Come join us.
And that’s probably what the mom fears the most.
