I lack the words to fully describe our last vacation together. I’ve mellowed considerably over the years so it takes a LOT to push me to my breaking point… But you succeeded. Perhaps it’s every pre-teen’s goal to find this fine line with their parents and then demolish it. But I’m not an official parent am I? I’m the self-proclaimed “cool aunt” that loves and supports you without the parental hassle of making sure you get your homework done or turning off the WiFi when its bedtime.
What was planned to be a leisurely trip to enjoy pristine white sand beaches sipping pina coladas turned into a tiresome stalemate. No need to rehash the details. We got two fabulous days with you before your mother infiltrated your head through texts and calls urging you to come home… Actually convincing you that you never wanted to go on this trip in the first place. You didn’t even realize that mom sabotaged your own happiness in her ongoing quest to sabotage ours.
This vacation definitely took us down. But not for the reasons you’re likely telling yourself. We’ve missed you! We were so excited to have this time to reconnect after months of your refusing visitation. We went to great lengths to find a secluded place where phone and WiFi access was spotty enough to, at the very least, disrupt your mother’s constant interruptions.
We also had a crazy idea that we could have an impromptu wedding on the beach. When we got engaged, the most important thing was that it just be the three of us (preferably on a beach) while exchanging vows. Nothing else mattered – Just you and our new blended family.
Well… that didn’t happen. And that’s perfectly ok. More than anything, we wanted your enthusiastic approval for our getting married and Dad got that. Thank you for that! Dad would have given you more time if you had reservations. And I couldn’t have said yes without your 100% “all-in” blessing.
Then your mother got inside your head. Almost convincing you that Dad didn’t even tell you about our engagement, least of all ask how you felt about it. Your silence and refusal to participate during our trip literally consumed every uplifting moment we attempted to create and broke our hearts knowing this is not who you are. You are such a kind and empathetic person that you are carrying and unloading this intense anger as if you own it. But I want you to know, that anger and resentment IS NOT YOURS. Sadly, it might take several years for you to begin to recognize that.
I have a deep understanding of where you’re at right now. Being a teenager can feel like an emotional train wreck at times and I just want you to know that while you may have found my breaking point on our trip together, I LOVE YOU ALWAYS and am here for you.
WE LOVE YOU ALWAYS… Even when you push us to our limits.
I know you probably don’t believe that we love you unconditionally right now. Which is the reason why your Dad and I feel it’s so important to reach out to you regularly so we can be a consistent part of your life even if not in person or never acknowledged.
Your Dad is reaching out daily through texts – He loves you, misses you, and can’t wait to spend time with you. As a writer, I felt guided to start this Dear Alexa blog – Perhaps a way of offering you something greater than anything I could put in a simple text (particularly since it hurts my heart when you don’t respond).
Dad’s outreach, whether you choose to respond or not, are physical proof that he is always thinking about you and loves you dearly. These Dear Alexa blog entries are conversations your Dad and I would love to be having with you in person. Connective moments that you will someday realize were taken from you without your understanding.
My hope is that one day you will scroll through the long thread of text messages from your Dad and recognize that not a single day has passed without his loving presence. I hope you read this compilation of conversations that I would love to be having with you – Little reminders that you that you are, always have been, and always will be loved.
Someday you will discover your own truth.
1 comment