Unless someone has experienced the trauma of parental alienation, it would be impossible to describe the tremendous relief you feel when you finally “give up” trying to change something you are utterly powerless to change.
I feel supported by great minds and 12-step programs. Einstein’s definition of “Insanity is doing the same thing… expecting different results” is supported by AA’s “…accept the things I cannot change…”. But my favorite is –
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” Maya Angelou
We’ve been so concerned about Alexa’s health and well-being, fearing “the worst” if we didn’t step in and get court ordered support for her health and education, that we never really considered that “the worst” has already happened and we’ve been enmeshed within this alienation trauma for years.
Is admitting “defeat” actually defeat if it ends a bloody battle?
A bitter-sweet sense of relief slowly washed over us when we finally admitted that it was ok to admit defeat and stop trying so damn hard – And I mean HARD. This amazing Dad has done absolutely everything within his power to interrupt this alienation experience and be a loving supportive parent. In many ways, it feels like alienation has taken lead, leaving us playing supportive roles in our own life.
This relief has been building gradually into a sense of elation. We get to change our attitude – Change our focus so we can reclaim our power and redefine this experience.
Vive la revolution!
Don’t get me wrong, we are in a state of total chaos at the moment. Mom’s last-ditch efforts to ruin court-ordered time for Dad and Dear Alexa to reconnect, multiplied with Dear Alexa’s annoyance over not being consulted before the court made this decision. All before Dear Alexa gives her expertly-coached interview with the court to determine whether Dad gets any parental rights whatsoever moving forward.
Crazy aside, I’m very curious about this sense of relief and elation that walks hand-in-hand with all the usual alienation attacks that used to trigger anxiety and frustration. This blessed detachment has entirely altered how we view and experience her attacks. Our surrender is freedom.
“Sometimes you don’t know the weight of something you have been carrying, until you feel the weight of its release.” Unknown
To clarify –
Giving up the fight does NOT mean we’re giving up on Dear Alexa.
We have done everything in within our power to be present and a part of Dear Alexa’s life. To love and support her unconditionally. Now it’s time to step back and allow this to be whatever it’s going to be. Direct our energy towards things we can control and playing lead roles in our life.
