Note: This was written one month ago. Unfortunately, things have taken a drastic downturn since.
Dear “Dear Alexa”
If you ever find this, and I suspect you will, you will realize this is my first ‘real’ post. Not because I have not written hundreds of posts, I just did not publish them. They were private. They were emotional. They were caring. They were loving. And they were meaningful, inciteful, and everything I wish I could provide you if we spent more time together.
I haven’t publish because these posts “could have and would have been used against me in a court of law.”
In the simplest of terms, that means manipulated by attorneys to spin a different story. I will explain exactly what that means at the end of this post. What is important right now is that you are in a much better place. A place of discovering truth and establishing balance. A place of growing maturity. I have every bit of confidence that you now understand the difference between right and wrong, truth versus fiction, and good from bad. There are too many idioms that can be used.
You are surrounded by a caring team that loves you.
Everyone needs a team in their life to realize their dreams. Sometimes that team requires a therapist and a psychiatrist. Most of the time people just need a friend or a coach. Personally, I surround myself with a team of friends, family, coaches, colleagues, competitors, therapists, and whatever it takes to be my best me. That is what life is all about. We only have one (life) and it is up to us (you) to make the most of that life. One of my favorite lines that you have heard me use since the day you were born is –
“Live life to its fullest for it does not last forever.”
When things are not good.
When you were in your darkest days, I recognized that your mom and I were both unqualified to help you. You had not seen a therapist in months, had not been to school in over a year, and were isolated in a room which you rarely left. All too vividly, I recall getting a call from your mom telling me that you threatened to harm yourself. I immediately told her to drop everything and take you to the hospital. Little did I know that my decision would later “be used against me” in the very same way that my all my efforts to get you proper behavioral health to avoid this dreadful day have been used against me. Your mom twisted my love and concern for you in a way that drove you away from the very therapy you so desperately needed.
At that moment of crisis, I jumped into action to surround you with “team Dear Alexa” to get you the guidance you needed. Having worked in the healthcare industry for the greater part of the past decade, I brought together multiple psychiatrists, multiple therapists, your primary care physician, and an entire crisis center team to get you healthy. I called in favor upon favor to get you the best care that one could possibly assemble.
You did the work to get better. Your “team Dear Alexa” was just there to coach you.
After the crisis, I pleaded with the court to intervene to reassign decision-making abilites from your mom to your amazing psychiatrist. She has done an amazing job leading “team Dear Alexa” ever since. She found the perfect therapist who broke you out of your funk and has provided you the tools and toolbox to become the best you that you can be. I only met her once, but I could hear her words and approach in every conversation that you and I have.
You were making such incredible progress that when I heard your therapist was moving out of state, my heart sank. I imagine this is what it is like for every athlete to hear that the coach that made them who they are, can no longer coach them any longer. I immediately reached out for advice on how to find you your next best coach. We talked about the importance of care transition or to use a coaching analogy, ‘the hand off.’ I asked if she could recommend a few new coaches for you as she knows the new and improved Dear Alexa far greater than I do right now. She gave me a list of her two favorites and I quickly scheduled time with both so you could decide who you were most comfortable with.
Then, my worst fear occurred. Like the six therapists before, your mom interfered and blocked these appointments claiming that I should not be involved in your health and well-being. She then said she would ‘take it from here’ and you are well aware of what that means – She did nothing. That triggered my PTSD – Yes, three court filings to get you therapy has been incredibly traumatic. My PTSD comes from not being allowed to get you the help that you need. This triggers my fears that I cannot be a good Dad and protect you.
Mom’s interference has occurred for over 7 years, dating back to when your mom and I were divorcing, and I wanted to make sure you had a therapist that you could talk to during that process. One day I will share more details and explain why your mom doesn’t want the truth to surface…..not for you… not even for herself.
My biggest fear right now is the transition that isn’t occurring. I’m getting the same resistance now as I have so many times in the past and it scares me. Gratefully, this time it’s a bit different. You are now almost 15 years old which is a less vulnerable than when you were 9, 10 or even 12 when you hit bottom and thought you were alone.
Dear Alexa – You have never been alone. You are always surrounded by people who love you and would do anything for you.
Your behavioral health soon took over your physical health and you began the downward spiral. You were on the verge of becoming anemic. This is when I discovered that medical records had not been shred with me. As soon as I got a copy of your blood work, I had several physicians review and recommend treatments. Despite ruffling mom’s feathers, if I had not intervened, you would have needed transfusions to bring your levels back to normal range. You should never be put in a position where you cannot get the care that you need or benefit from my expertise to get you the care you need.
“You have a right to remain silent. What you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.”
I promised earlier that I would expand upon “could have and would have been used against me in a court of law.”
Do you remember writing an email to me that basically stated that I was never there for you in the earlier parts of your life? That you did not recall me ever spending any time with you? That I was an absent father.” That was a dagger that went deep into my heart. It hurt me like nothing has ever hurt me before. When I returned you a letter that shared my recollection, my memories, and my heart…. I used bullet points to make the letter easier to read (or so I thought).
It was an amazing experience for me to write that letter as it reminded me how much time we spent together. The things that we did. The things that I was able to teach you. The experiences that we shared together.
It brought back some of my greatest memories of all the time I got to spend with you.
The very next day, what I thought was my confidential response to you, my email was used against me in court. As a weapon. Saying that in ‘my typical narcissist way’ I used bullet points to speak to my own child and that those memories were false and my attempt I to brainwash you into believing I was present and spent time with you. There was nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, in that letter that even over exaggerated a moment that we spent together.
I knew that the words the attorneys used in court were not ‘your words’. Not your feelings. And that this is a technique called ‘projection’ that projects one person’s stuff onto another (I suspect your therapist taught you this) so that person does not need to deal with their own stuff. Nonetheless…
My loving words and memories were used against me in a court of law. So twisted beyond recognition that the judge didn’t know what to believe.
So you know, I sealed the case for all of our privacy. Even your mom’s privacy because she has that right as well. If (when) you ever want to watch (yes, they record all) these moments you are welcome to after you turn 23.
I apologize for the length of this first post, but I have had (and still have) so much to say. I will try and post more regularly moving forward. Just know that I love you with every ounce of my being and I will continue to fight for your health and well-being like my own life depends upon it.
Never lose your loving memories –
No matter what they entail. You are strong, capable, and brave enough to weather this experience. Your stepmom (even though she hates the step-term) and I are always ready the moment you are ready to build new memories together.
