Dear “Dear Alexa” –
Miss you girl! It hurts my heart to know that your parent’s legal matters have a way of rubbing off on you. I totally understand and respect your “retreat” approach to help minimize the conflict. While I’m typically a “rose colored glasses” optimist, I will admit that it’s going to get worse before things settle down. Just know that Dad is (once again) fighting for your rights – Your health and well-being; Your education; Your freedom. For every right Dad protects, supports your ability to learn, grow, and rise from this experience – To be FREE.
I feel like you could use all the love and support in the world right now. Which has me questioning some of the decisions I made since I’ve had the pleasure of being part of your life.
Did I make the right choice to step back in hopes that you mom wouldn’t consider me a threat? Step aside regularly so you could get quality one-on-one time with your Dad? Or should I have just said F-it and created my own little world with you?
Ideally, I would have wrapped you up tightly in my arms the moment I met you and expressed how much I love our happy little family every single day.
But that’s not how the stepmom stories go. Fairy tales and Hollywood have relied upon casting the stepmom as the “villain.” Every blended family experience shared by friends, family and strangers gave me every reason to avoid single dads like the plague. Ergo, I must admit, I came into our relationship with “stepmom baggage”.
I knew the challenges. I knew birth moms’ insecurities with adding “another mother.” I thought I had it all worked out. For a stepmom can only be hated and blamed for the broken family dynamic if she’s part of the dynamic. I opted for “cool aunt” instead.
Gratefully, your amazing father wanted to fulfill all the parental roles for you. This allowed me to avoid rules and consequences and simply appreciate and support you and all the lovely stuff we enjoyed doing together.
It also made it pretty easy to slip into the background where, at this moment of disconnect, you may not know how much I’ve missed you.
Another choice I made when we learned that your mom monitors your texts, was to not reach out often. I didn’t want to make life harder for you by sparking whatever animosity your mom has with me or the fact that your Dad has moved on.
But now I’m not so sure if these were the right decisions. And while this may be partially in response to your mom’s stonewalling Dad in settlement negotiations, but I’m no longer caring whether your mom feels threatened by me or not. My only concern is that YOU know for absolutely certain that you are dearly loved and wanted more than anything in our lives.
I would love to walk down memory lane with you – A few “just us” moments I treasure… and wish I could have fully expressed with you…
- Every time I introduced you as “my daughter.” Sure, your look of surprise and curiosity always made me smile, but I also recognized the fact that you didn’t mind one bit. I explained that it was easier to claim you as mine than explain to a stranger our blended family details. I joked about it then, but I was serious. Every time we went out together, I absolutely felt like you were mine. I was proud to claim you as mine.
- When I explained why I never liked the term “step-” anything label, you totally got me. We were dangling our legs in the community pool while your friend was preoccupied with the new boys that just moved in. This was the first time I told you how lucky I was to get you!
- Speaking of lucky – You need to know that anytime a scary step-story was told, I shared how lucky I was to have gotten you. We used to joke about luck. You laughed your butt off when I shared with you how lucky you were to have me because I didn’t bring kid-baggage to the relationship, so you were our entire focus.
- I embraced every “child” moment we had together. Whether that was running with the dogs in the park or doing handstand contests in the pool. I felt like I was given the opportunity to be a kid again and loved every moment. That could also explain my love for matching hot pink swimsuits and tie dyes at camp.
- I loved our evening routine of watching something magical on Netflix while all snuggled up together on the couch together. It might seem like something small, but when you’re my age, you’ll realize that these loving, connective moments are actually the big things in life.
- I will forever be grateful for your loving concern and support during my infamous cheese grater and ice-skating incidents. I LOVE that you supported me in telling your Dad that we needed to dispose of the grater and LOVE that you suggested we bury it in the back yard.
- Speaking of being in cahoots – I loved doing secret stuff with you. Whether that was setting up booby traps for your Dad, making Nutella ravioli, or hosting a float day with all our favorite inflatables.
I knew from the moment I met you wearing a pink tutu entertaining a gaggle of kids that you were fabulous.
You won this stepmom-fearing, step-baggage carrying, “cool aunt” over with ease.
I may have taken a supporting role in this parental experience playing out right now, but this proud Step Mom is ready to welcome you home with arms wide open when you’re ready to return to us.
Only this time, I’m not letting go.
