Under the teenage exterior, you are such a kind and empathetic person. Over the years, I’ve marveled over your natural ability to sense and connect with others – You make sure everyone feels included and you’re always the first to stand up for another. The very first time we met, you were wearing a bright pink tutu acting as “cruise director” making sure all the kids at the party were thoroughly entertained.
I knew in that instant that you were fabulous!
We share this empathetic quality – Sensing what another’s feeling, fearing, or anxious about… Sometimes taking their feeling on as if they are our own. There are pros and cons to being empathetic:
- PRO – We connect with others quickly and on far deeper levels.
- CON – We don’t always know where our fears and anxiety begin and another’s end.
This co-mingling of energy can be overwhelming when we take it all in. Before we know it, the other person’s fears and anxieties actually become our own. They’re introduced in our minds as we listen to another, then confirmed “true” in our body as we feel the same waves of emotions and gut feelings.
I kindly refer to this as an “energy dump.” The other person gets to “unload” all their emotional baggage and we kindly unpack it for them. They leave the conversation feeling soothed, understood, and uplifted energetically. While we feel incredibly drained energetically for having erroneously taken on their fears and anxieties as our own.
Before we jump into our instinctive empathetic “but I want to help…” stance, I’ll tell you that no one comes out the better. Our friend may walk away feeling better in the moment, but our “emotional agreement” has just reinforced the validity of their fears. When we energetically agree, we make these fears larger and more daunting than before. If we continue having these energetically co-mingled conversations, both our fears and anxieties will eventually become our reality.
I spent more years than I would care to admit taking on other people’s energy indiscriminately… Perhaps even dumping my own fears and anxieties on others unknowingly.
It wasn’t until I came to terms with my own “stuff” (fears, anxieties, insecurities, pessimism, etc.) that I was able to establish personal boundaries to protect my energy from being depleted by another or assuming another’s “stuff.”
The catch? Before you can even begin thinking about setting self-honoring boundaries, you need to know what’s yours so you can determine was ISN’T. For knowing what our own fears are helps us determine what fears aren’t ours. Or as I say in my head during an energy dump – “Not mine.”
But even knowing what’s ours and what’s not, other people’s fears definitely have a tendency to trigger our own fears indirectly. The trick here is to energetically hit “pause” for a moment so we can step out of the exchange long enough to check in with ourselves. Within the pause, we can feel and acknowledge our own fears being triggered –
“Yep, that’s my fear of not being good enough being triggered right now. I’ll honor that.”
Then we can say – “not mine” to the rest so we can gently release and return anything that does not belong to us.
If it sounds a bit complicated, I’ll admit that it absolutely is. It’s pretty simple when we are dealing with strangers or mere acquaintances. We dismiss the cranky person at the store or mean girls at school and go about our day without giving any thought as to why they are cranky and mean. It becomes complex when the energy exchange involves people we love and want to support. Now we’re in full empath mode in an effort to help make them feel better.
The good part is that having boundaries does not mean you’re any less loving or supportive. It just means that you’re protecting your own energy during any emotionally charged exchange and you’re making an active choice to not assume their fears as you mentally confirm that they are “not mine.”
The benefits of protecting your energy with healthy boundaries are tremendous. To name a few:
- Honoring Yourself – Healthy boundaries honor who we are. Just as you are quick to stand up for a friend, we need to be equally quick to stand up for ourselves when our energy needs protecting.
- Healthy & Uplifting Relationships – It’s not fun being in relationships with people who leave us feeling depleted all the time. This helps us maintain our energy so we can enjoy time with others more.
- A Higher Perspective – Anytime we acknowledge our fears, we shed light on them. “Hey there, I see you – And guess what? We’re ok.” Fears begin to dissolve when we’re walking hand-in-hand with them rather than trying to deny or hide away from them.
- Blessed Release – Not only do we get to decide to take a “hard pass” on assuming someone else’s fear is our own, but we also have a fresh perspective to help shed light on their fear so we can help them move through it.
Maintaining this “not mine” boundary will take a lot of practice but is one of the most empowering things we can do in any energetically draining and fear-provoking moments.
The next time you feel inundated by another’s anxiety or foul mood, take a deep breath and acknowledge what’s being triggered within you. What fear is rearing its ugly head? Where do you feel the anxiety in your body? Honor what is true FOR YOU. It could be a nod to your fear of not being good enough – I see you… Focus your attention on the anxious part of your body – I feel you…
Now take a deep cleansing breath and say with me – “The rest is not mine.” As you exhale, visualize an unseen force gently pushing everything that isn’t yours away from your body. Feel the lightness of this release that now exists around you. To release with more love, you can even say to yourself –
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