To borrow a title play from Shakespeare, today’s release is about nothing – about everything – and back to nothing as we are not allowed to address the proverbial pink elephant in the room. So many good parental opportunities, so little allowance for being a parent. This is what happens in a parental alienation situation and when a child believes they are calling all the shots.
Let’s run with the “no idea” concept as it’s easier to digest than the idea that a child could be a co-coconspirator.
This child has “no idea” the demand for a car runs far deeper than just this “of the moment” desire. It was addressed in a settlement agreement and upheld in court. But this particular mom respects court orders just about as much as she respects boundaries and other people’s rights. So, of course, this matter is now playing out by proxy through a child.
Let’s back this up a bit –
This particular scenario started months ago with an innocent request to check out a new school and let dad handle the orientation. Sadly, we questioned this outreach with some skepticism as nothing that appears positive on the surface is what it seems when we dig deeper. Alas, dad was quick to shake it off in favor of spending more time with his daughter, so the red flag was quickly dismissed.
The “yes” was a given – we’ve made it very clear that we prefer in-person school attendance for the connection, experiences, and growth that far outweigh the value of a simple diploma. Over the course of weeks, we soon discovered the bait-and-switch tactics being used. Dad’s an honorable man of his word, so changing not only the terms post-yes and making dad fully responsible for execution was covert ops at its finest.
This dad was set up from the get-go
Then the real power play – the demand for a car. Limited alternatives included: 1) being responsible for this child failing and dropping out of school; or 2) putting our livelihood (thus failing to make a living) on hold to carpool. Both equally unacceptable failures. A masterful manipulation of mom’s need to violate boundaries and a child’s desire to get what she wants.
Did I mention that this child doesn’t have a driver’s license?
I guess that’s irrelevant.
This space of half-truths and all-out deception serves as the same chaos in Much Ado About Nothing. But what I’m realizing is that
chaos IS the point
So long as you’re a bit off-kilter trying to figure everything out, you’re not of sound mind capable of making thoughtful decisions. You’re being bombarded – pressured – to act quickly based on inaccurate (at best) information, unacceptable consequences, and a ticking time bomb deadline.
I digress – Squirrel!
The moment my boss snapped her fingers in my face with the simple demand – “Like NOW” – I was both stunned and appalled. Did she really just snap her fingers at me??? Those two words not only crossed a line but obliterated it with a catchy SNAP for emphasis. When my husband (then boyfriend) playfully snapped his fingers asking for a Corona “like now” – he quickly rescinded it when he saw the flash of PTSD in response.
“Like NOW” is the undercurrent of this debate. Nothing like operating under pressure-cooker circumstances that either demolish or define you.
I choose the latter.
The underbelly of this grand ploy is a dangerous need for vengeance – to maintain full control and obliterate boundaries. Bonus points for destroying the lovely life my husband and I created.
I digress yet again –
I’m a huge fan of the ‘70s horror movies where everyone is running like their life depends upon it (it totally does – Jason’s armed with a machete) but the antagonist just walks slowly – methodically – along and still manages to catch the frantic kids scrambling. And I love the twist endings. The girl survives and wakes up to a gorgeous sunshine day in a boat floating in the middle of a lake. We have this sense of peaceful calm before – BAM! – Jason rises from the water and stabs her to death. Even when you know it’s coming, it still makes you jump out of your seat.
The twist ending to our own gory plot is playing out in similar ’70-slasher-fashion.
The masked terrorist isn’t the enemy at all –it’s just a well-coached child doing another’s bidding.
There may be some truth in the desire for a car – cars represent freedom – from whatever her life entails living full-time at moms. And we could support that. But a manipulatively deceptive, well-orchestrated series of demands?
We’ll draw a firm boundary thank you very much. To concede now ensures that every single boundary we establish will be challenged and broken. Now it’s not about the demand at all – It’s about not giving in to the temper tantrum, knowing it will become the default if we do.
Discuss the “ask” – Ignore the “demand”
Establishing and upholding firm boundaries are an example that this child can do the same. If we crumble, she will doubt her own strength. If we stand tall – so will she.
This “no” is for you. Some day you will not only respect it, but be grateful for it.